


Thoughts...

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drama, M/M, Season/Series 02, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-09-27
Updated: 2004-09-27
Packaged: 2018-12-27 12:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12080754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian's thoughts about a moth after the Rage party.





	Thoughts...

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Have you ever made a mistake? A mistake that it feels like you can never make right, I have. I pushed away the one person who made my life actually worth living. I pushed away the only person who I ever… god help me, loved. 

He was the only person who could see through all of my bullshit and false bravado and see me, the real me. Maybe that’s why I was so scared of him, of us. Yes I admit it, Brian Kinney was, is afraid. I’m so fucking afraid I can barely see straight, no pun intended. I’m scared of feeling this way about him. I’m scared of letting him have my heart. I’m scared that I’ll never be good enough for him. But most of all I’m scared that I may have lost him for good. 

I want to call him. I want to pick up the phone and beg him to come home. I want to tell him how much I love him and need him. I want to hear his voice tell me he loves me too. I should call, but I know I won’t. I can’t. I wonder if I did call would he even listen. I doubt it. I pushed him away. I sent him off to be with a better person. A person who could love him like he deserved to be loved. I want to be that person, I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my whole life. 

Then why am I sitting here on my living room floor with the phone against my ear listening to a dial tone when I should be listening to his voice on the other end? 

 

I’m lying alone with my head on the phone  
Thinkin’ of you till it hurts  
I know you hurt too, but what else can I do  
Tormented and torn apart

 

God I miss his smile. That was always one of my favorite things about him. With the exception of his perfect bubble butt of course. His smile could light up a room. All I have to do is close my eyes and I see him. That beautiful smiling face staring at me with all the love and admiration in the world. No matter what was going on in my life he could always make me feel better with just a look and a smile. I can’t believe I haven’t seen that smile in almost a month. It seems like a lifetime. I miss him so much. So why couldn’t I tell him how much he meant to me?

 

I wish I could carry your smile in my heart  
For times when my life seems so low  
It would make me believe what tomorrow would bring  
When today doesn’t really know, doesn’t really know

 

I just feel empty. Like a part of me has been torn out. I guess it has though, hasn’t it? I tried, I really did. I tried to show him everyday what he meant to me. I guess I didn’t try hard enough. Or maybe he just needed more. I know people think I could never settle down. But the truth is, I’m kind of ready to. Now that doesn’t mean I want to stop going to the clubs and settle down like a couple of happy heteros, but I wouldn’t be against slowing it down a bit. I know this life isn’t the life I’m going to be leading forever and in truth that doesn’t really bother me. I wouldn’t even mind cutting back on the tricking. Who knows maybe one day I could stop completely. I wish I could have told him some of this shit. Maybe if I would have he wouldn’t have run off to fiddle-fuck. But those are all useless shit thoughts now. 

He’s gone. The only person who believed that I could be more than “The Stud of Liberty Ave” is gone. And it’s all my fault. God I’m so stupid! 

 

I’m all out of love, I’m so lost without you  
I know you were right believing for so long  
I’m all out of love, what am I without you  
I can’t be too late to say that I was so wrong

 

I want you to come home Justin. Come home so I can tell you what a heartless shit I am and that I’m sorry for never telling you what you needed to hear. I wonder what you would say if I called you and told you all this right now. You would probably hang up on my dumb ass. Yup, that’s what you would do. I can just hear what you would say to me if I was lying around the loft moping like this about a campaign or a bad day at the office. You would tell me to get my drunken ass up off the floor, stop moping around and do something about it. You really did learn a lot from me. 

I really should take my own advice. I should stop lying around here like a big cunty, cry-baby lesbian and just do something about it. 

 

I want you to come back and carry me home  
Away from these long lonely nights  
I’m reaching for you, are you feeling it too  
Does the feeling seem oh so right  
And what would you say if I called on you now  
And said that I can’t hold on  
There’s no easy way, it gets harder each day  
Please love me or I’ll be gone, I’ll be gone

 

I’m going to call. But what am I going to say? Hell I’m Brian Kinney for fucks sake I’m not afraid of some blond twink. The scary thing is, I am. I wonder what he’s doing right now. 

 

Oh, what are you thinking of?   
What are you thinking of?   
Oh, what are you thinking of?   
What are you thinking of?

 

I’m going to do it. I’m dialing. Oh god it’s ringing. Shit. I’m going to hang up. 

“Hello” Shit he answered, just play it cool Kinney. 

Here goes.

“Hey, Sunshine I know it’s late and you probably don’t want to even hear my voice but I just have to tell you something…”

* * *

The lyrics: I'm All Out of Love by Soluna


End file.
